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MEN ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROMS
Just so everybody has a better understanding.... I believe that, in general, women are
saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in
an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper
halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would
be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100
percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off
of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be no war. I
sincerely believe this-virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military
conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level
exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed
by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely
believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key
area, and that area is clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his
particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small,
he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do
not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans
with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in
a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man
could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30- inch inseam, and his label will proudly display
this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says:
"Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary
objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to
be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore
when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "8" or
"10. " Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question
has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age
19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not
move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8! So she
will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become
extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall,
perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify
purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the
electricity goes out at night and . . . "
"Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the
man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's
fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING
BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur
because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize
their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether
they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2,"
in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant
awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like
crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic
activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
Some men bashing
Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations...they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for the hips.
Men are like horoscopes...they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plunger...they spend most of their lives in a hardware storeor the bathroom
Men are like cement...after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like laxatives...they irritate the shit out of you
Men are like parking spots...the good ones are already taken and what's left are
handicapped.
Men are like snowstorms...you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead
of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes
dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and
don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still
excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It's
never been done.
Why are men like tile floors? It you lay 'em properly the first time, you can walk
all over 'em for years.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
For the men
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support
you.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Q. Why do men pass gas more than women?
A. Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q. Why are women like guns?
A. Keep one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?
A. The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced or a widow.
Q. What is the definition of bigamy?
A. Having one wife to many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Q. What food have scientists discovered that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ?
A. Wedding cake.
Q. Why is marriage is a 3 ring circus?
A. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
For the ladies (equal time lol)
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having
a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often
about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream
of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and
use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.