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OFFICE PRAYER
Lord, Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage
to change the things I cannot accept,
And the Wisdom
to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And Lord, help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today as they
may be connected to the ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow!
Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty, or selfish.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed
and that is when I'm going to need a lot of help.
Amen
Top 14 Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff
14. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
13. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
12. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
11. Company softball team downsized to chess team.
10. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
9. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
8. Company president now driving a Hyundai.
7. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
6. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
5. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
4. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
3. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
2. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.
1. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
Memo
To: All Technical Staff
From: Human Resources Dept.
CC: Line Managers
Date: 09/07/98
Re: Offensive Language
It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals have
been using foul language during the execution of their duties.
Due to complaints from some staff members AND CLIENTS who are more
easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express
their feelings when communicating with other employees, and more
importantly, clients.
With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list
of Code Phrase replacements so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in a effective manner without risking
offence to our more sensitive co-workers/clients.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way. I'm fairly sure that's not feasible.
You're fucking kidding Really, is that true'.
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Have you run that by
your / my
Manager.
No bastard told me. I wasn't involved in that
project.
I don't have the fucking time. Perhaps I can work late.
Who fucking cares'. Are you sure that's a problem'.
Eat shit and die. You don't say.
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. You don't say, Sir.
Kiss my arse. So you'd like me to help you.
You haven't got a fucking clue. You could use some more
training.
This place is fucked. We're /You're a little disorganised
today
What sort of fuckwit are you' You're new here, aren't you
You're a fucking wanker. You're my boss / client, I
respect you.
Fuck off. I'll look into it and get back to
you.
Fuck off, dickhead. I no longer require your
assistance.
How the fuck did you get that to work. Well done.
You fucking loser. You were very unfortunate there.
STF - Sack The Fuckers STF - Securing The Future
We do understand that some less communicative employees who currently
use just a single or at best double words may find themselves unable to
comply with the new policy.
Hence, the Human Resources Department have devised a scheme whereby such
employees for a period of say 3--4 weeks are permitted to use a
transitional phrase before going on to use the permanent new phrase.